A Guide to Emotion Regulation for Children
by Zoe Fysikoudi
Helping Your Child Master the Rollercoaster of Emotions
Imagine your child as a tiny explorer, navigating a world full of exciting discoveries and surprising encounters. Sometimes, these encounters activate strong emotions, like joy, anger, sadness, or frustration. Just like the explorer needs a compass to navigate, your child needs skills to manage these emotions effectively. This is where emotion regulation comes in!
Emotion regulation is a vital process in which we respond to and manage our feelings in a healthy and appropriate manner. It involves recognizing our emotions, understanding why we feel a certain way, and then taking steps to manage those emotions effectively. This process is especially crucial for young children, as it lays the foundation for their emotional well-being and how they navigate the world around them.
It’s important to note that all feelings are valid, even if they are uncomfortable. They can provide valuable insights into our experiences and guide us in expressing ourselves and making necessary changes. Emotion regulation is not about suppressing or controlling our emotions; instead, it’s about being aware of them and our responses to them.
For instance, imagine a scenario where you feel frustrated and stressed about an important project at work. Emotion regulation in this context might involve identifying and acknowledging these feelings, and then using tools like breaking the project into smaller tasks, setting achievable goals, seeking support from colleagues, or taking a break to clear your mind.
This three-step process of emotion regulation includes identifying our emotions (frustration, stress), understanding what triggered them (project deadline), and managing them effectively (using tools/actions). By regulating our emotions, we can engage our “wise brain,” which integrates our thinking and emotional processes.
To better understand how children’s brains develop and how we can support them in developing their emotion regulation skills, we can turn to neuroscience. Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel and psychotherapist Tina Payne explain this concept using the metaphor of a two-story house, with the “downstairs” representing the emotional brain and the “upstairs” representing the thinking brain. When children experience overwhelming emotions, their “wise brain,” which acts as a bridge between the two floors, can become disconnected, leading to what Siegel calls “flipping my lid.”. While the emotional brain is fully developed in young children, the thinking brain continues to develop until around age 25.
As parents, educators, and therapists, our goal is to help children strengthen the connection between their emotional and thinking brains. This connection allows them to manage their emotions more effectively and make better decisions. We want children to experience a range of emotions and develop resilience and coping skills to navigate life’s challenges.
Emotion regulation skills enhance a child’s self-awareness, helping them recognize their emotions and the physical sensations, tone of voice, and facial expressions associated with them. They can feel calmer and happier when they know how to manage their emotions when they feel overwhelmed. Understanding their feelings and knowing how to express them appropriately also helps children connect with others in a healthy way.
So, how can you help your child build this “wise brain” connection? One powerful tool for regulating emotions is breathing. Focusing on our breath or taking deep breaths can help us slow down and respond calmly to situations. Other strategies include counting to ten, squeezing a stress ball, taking breaks, breaking tasks into smaller ones, engaging in hobbies, listening to music, connecting with friends, or drawing. You can practice these techniques together when things are calm, so the children can add them to their toolbox.
Another tool is to model emotion regulation and label and validate feelings. We can share with kids how we manage our emotions and model ways to regulate ourselves. For example, after a stressful work meeting, we can name our feelings of frustration and let them know what strategy we would use to calm and ground ourselves, for example playing a game with them or put some soothing music on. It is also useful to name and validate their feelings, for example ‘I can see you are frustrated with this math activity, it is ok to feel frustrated sometimes’.
After children have regulated their emotions, it’s helpful to revisit the situation with them, approaching it with curiosity and empathy rather than shame or judgment. This allows for a deeper understanding of the underlying communication and helps children feel heard and supported.
It’s important to remember that developing emotion regulation skills is a gradual process, similar to learning a new language or a new skill. It requires time, repetition, patience, positive reinforcement, and effort for children to develop these self-regulatory mechanisms.
Zoe Fysikoudi, Registered Psychotherapist, meets children, youth, and families at Cocoon Orillia and at Rooted in Counselling, Bracebridge. Learn more about her at www.expressive-minds.com.
