The first step is to acknowledge and name our own feelings before speaking. When you feel activated, pause and silently say, “I am feeling frustrated” (or whatever emotion fits), then wait a beat before responding. This creates a space between action/ impulse/ urge and response/ reaction, modeling the skill we want our youth to develop. When we respond calmly, we model emotional regulation and demonstrate that relationships can handle tough conversations. It conveys the message, “It’s okay that we don’t agree. We can figure this out together.” Remain steady, even if your teen is stormy.

Be curious about what is happening. For example, instead of asking, “Why didn’t you do your homework?” try “What got in the way?” Or, instead of “Why are you always on your phone?” try saying, “I’ve noticed you’ve been on your phone a lot lately—what do you enjoy doing on it the most?” This approach offers a space for reflection and open discussion, making you an ally in their challenges and empowering them to become more aware of the process and their internal experience rather than just the outcome. We want teenagers to talk to us about difficult things, and offering an open, curious, accepting, and understanding space helps them trust us and open up.

I anticipate the next question from parents: “What if they say ‘I don’t know’ or shrug their shoulders and stay quiet?” You can use this response as an opportunity to connect and ensure they feel seen and understood by giving them space to figure it out themselves, rather than providing the solution. You might say, “Hmmm, you’re not sure about this,” or “It’s tricky to name one thing, and you can have a lot of different thoughts, ideas, or views on this.”

Silence can also be a powerful tool. Youth are often bombarded with both external and internal questions. Simply asking how they are doing can sometimes feel vexing to them, leading them to lash out. You can use silence and statements to reflect on what is happening underneath their behaviour to rather than questions. For example, your child comes back from school and lashes out at you, you may say ‘It looks like you had a tough day’.

When teens have a voice in the process, they are more motivated to follow through. It builds their sense of agency and strengthens trust. During a disagreement, you might say, “We both have different goals. Let’s come up with a plan that works for both of us.” Brainstorm ideas together, weigh the pros and cons, and agree on next steps. This helps build critical thinking, problem-solving, and perspective-taking skills.

Finally, ruptures and disconnections are an inherent part of every relationship. If a rupture occurs, use it as an opportunity to model repair. Teens learn what to do after a conflict by observing you. Apologizing and repairing helps them build emotional intelligence and resilience. You can say, “I did not handle that how I wanted to. Can we talk about it?”

Teens can thrive with our acceptance and understanding, knowing they can rely on our support to fly higher. When we worry excessively about them, we send the message that we do not trust them, which in turn hinders their ability to trust themselves. The more we worry about teens, the less they want to try. Conversely, the more we believe in them, the higher they can fly.

Zoe Fysikoudi is a Registered Psychotherapist and owner of Expressive Minds Therapy. Zoe works therapeutically with children, youth and their families and meets them at Cocoon Orillia in Orillia and Rooted in Counselling in Bracebridge. 

For more information, you can also visit her website at www.expressive-minds.com.